Harry Potter and the Alice Syndrome
by Keriana Williams
Summary: It's an orange! It's a nerf ball! No, it's a boob, and it's attached to Harry's chest. Oneshot. Parody type thing.


**Disclaimer: **Keriana Williams does not own Harry Potter and does not claim to. She does, however, own the psychotic mind that came up with this, and takes great pride in that fact.

Harry Potter and the Alice Syndrome

Harry Potter was bored. It was the middle of History of Magic, so boredom was expected-- nay, required!-- but that didn't make it any less boring. He would have fallen asleep, but with Voldemort so active, he'd probably wake up screaming.

Then, out of nowhere, came a loud and thundering **BOOM**.

Of course, this was a strange and new sound that had not been heard before. It was something like a wrecking ball smashing into a large building... Oh, hey, was that why everyone was screaming about the castle collapsing?

Harry stood up, blinked himself out the Binns-induced stupor, and waddled over to the window (when everyone else was screaming at him to go out the door, but when has Harry Potter ever listened to something as silly as advice?)

And there he was! Voldemort! Attacking Hogwarts with the aid of... ... a very large wrecking ball. Huh. Whoda thunk?

Harry, being the epic hero that he is, summoned his broom with the grace of someone who spent way too long practicing a summoning charm, and flew out the window! Or tried to, anyway, as he smacked into the glass and fell on the ground.

"Ow," he stated, deadpan. Standing up again, he opened the window, squeezed out, and started falling. "Well. This is new."

About three feet from ground, the idea that he was about to become a splatter on the pavement actually hit him, and with Potter grace, he jumped onto the broom and sped towards Voldemort!

This, of course, was just what Voldemort wanted.

"ICYA GYURL!" Voldemort screamed, pointing his wand-- no, not that one, the wooden one with the phoenix feather-- at Harry. A beam of sickeningly pink light flew out of the wand and hit Harry smack in the eyeball.

Harry fell abruptly off his broom, hit the ground, and fell unconscious.

* * *

Two days later, Harry Potter woke up. Raising to a sitting position in the hospital bed he sat in, he yawned, and wondered where Madame Pomfrey was. 

Then he noticed something.

Two somethings, actually.

Two perky, round somethings that had apparently attached themselves to his chest while he slumbered.

Harry blinked. Once. Twice. Thrice. Whatever the past tense for four is. Then poked the squishy ball of fat and flesh.

Then he poked it again. And again.

"Hey, cool!"

Of course, then the sad truth sank in. Harry James Potter had boobs. 

It was then that Harry jumped out of bed to look in the mirror conveniently placed in the Hospital Wing. Gone was the messy black hair and emerald green eyes! Gone was his short stature (undoubtedly from malnurishment) and skinny Seeker build!

In place of his normal body was the body of... a woman.

A very strange woman, with long locks of raven black hair flowing down her back (and a good four feet past that). With burning eyes of gray and pale, pale skin! With-- ohh, decidedly large, pert breasts and a nice arse in the back. Curves! Curves! Oh, the curves!

He was trying very valiantly to block out the fact that he had bright pink streaks running through his hair, was even shorter than he'd been normally, and had apparently undergone a magical sex change.

With his brain nicely on vacation, Harry Potter posed in front of the mirror until Severus Snape ran in.

"Harry!"

Harry blinked. "Professor?"

"Harry! I am your father!" Snape wailed, his voice tragic and epic and somehow... greasy.

Harry blinked. Again.

"Um," he stated, very intelligently.

It was at that moment that Tom Marvolo Riddle-- AKA Lord Voldemort-- ran into the room and cuddle Harry Potter to his chest. "Amyry Elyla Rysinnan Ekysiara Riddle! You're alive! And looking so well!"

Harry blinked. "What did you just call me?"

Tom held Harry out at arms length and blinked at him. Seemed to be a lot of that blinking thing going around.

"Why, Amryry Elyla Rysynnan Eykysyara Ryddle!" Tom said. "My daughter!"

"But Professor Snape said I was his daughter," Harry-- Amyry-- Amryry-- whatever-- protested.

"You are," Snape said.

Harry blinked.

Luna Lovegood popped up and the scene suddenly froze. She put on a nifty hat and held out a pointer, pointing it at the three.

"This is a public service announcement, courtesy of IAAF Incorporated," she stated. "Now, the reason they're blinking is that they have been bit by the Begshyni, which is an invisible, small monster with wings made of the eyelashes of its victim. It hides inside the eyeball of someone, forcing them to blink rather a lot. Of course, they breed extremely fast, once they've made a burrow, and are therefore highly contagious. The one surefire way to cure them is to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns until it drops out, dead, as it cannot stand the sight of Spike shirtless. Incidentally, Buffy the Vampire Slayer does not currently exist in this dimension and/or time line, so all cases of Begshyni infestations are permanent."

She beamed. "Thank you, and have a flowerful day!" She ran away and the scene resumed.

"You see, Harry," Tom said, blinking, "Snape and I are lovers."

Harry blinked.

Snape wrapped his arm around Tom's waist.

"And, well, I got pregnant," Snape said.

Harry blinked. Now, he didn't know a lot about sex, but he didn't quite see how that was possible...

It was then that Tom and Snape gave a very longwinded explanation of exactly how it was possible, leaving she-Harry blinking and looking slightly ill.

Draco then burst into the room and cuddled Harry. "Oh, Amery, you're back! Now we can have gratuitous sex until the cows come home!"

"The... cows?" Harry asked, blinking. "Aren't you British?"

Draco blinked. Nodded. Then placed a kiss firmly on Harry's lips.

Everything finally processed, and Harry screamed. Loudly.

...And woke up.

"Thank god for the Alice syndrome," Harry Potter muttered, noting that he seemed to have all his manly bits back. He then lay back down to sleep.

...The furry black cat ears and matching tail that were now protruding from his head and buttocks escaped his notice entirely.

* * *

Author's Note: This was brought on after reading a very disturbing and horribly written "omg harry's a gurl" fic. I won't go into detail about it, but I then decided to write a she-Harry fic. This is what came out. Written very quickly while under the influence of Midol and (low sodium!) caffeine. If you love me, leave a review. Constructive criticism welcome. Flames welcome, too, actually, since it's bloody cold outside.

Author's Note #2: Yes, I am an American. Shush.


End file.
